I once had a boss who said “Perception is Reality” with such frequency one would think it to be her mantra for meditation. She long ago moved on to her “next life” (another term that grates on me), but apparently she repeated the phrase so often it still permeated the halls for years after she left.

Perception is Reality… It is pop culture’s catch all phrase for “I believe it so it has to be,” and license for one to create his or her own pathological situation and avoid investigation into empirical realities. It can seriously taint the mind. It can ruin personal and professional relationships. Unhealthy perception is a warm cozy partner to schizophrenia.

Perception: The process of organizing, interpreting, and selectively extracting sensory information.

Your error is to seek to reduce the world to your size, whereas the greater your understanding of things, the better your understanding of yourself. ~ Monet

Perception is often fraught with transference of feelings about someone or something from one’s past and melded with current events to create a misconception. Perception can be fantasy. The reality of a situation can have nothing to do with what one is experiencing unconsciously. The interpretation of events is reliant on one’s analytic frame.

Our memory is stretched and warped like a rubber band to conform to our perception of reality. This affects witnesses, allows for magicians to make a living, causes UFOs and white lights at the end of tunnels (unless you believe they exist!). There is a certain arrogance to assume that one’s own perceptions are similar to all perceptions, and that a singular perception has any bearing on something as infinitely complex as reality.

Transference is the experiencing of feelings, drives, attitudes, fantasies, and defenses toward a person in the present which do not befit that person, but are repetition of reactions originating in regard to significant persons of early childhood, unconsciously displaced onto figures in the present. ~ Greenson, 1971/1990

The adult mind selects and rejects data, whether consciously or habitually, according to the mind-set and/or the environmental setting. It’s easy to understand Perceptual Relativism and Wertheimer’s Gestalt psychology with the analogy of “changing the radio station until you hear a song you like”.

In regard to personal and professional relationships, it’s important to critically challenge one’s own perceptions and perhaps do a little fact checking before allowing them to become reality. You just might find your perceptions were fantasy after all.

This is a repost from October 28, 2007 from the Myspace page I started in 2006. I started to experiment with it as a recruitment tool when I was tasked with reducing cost per hire. It resulted in a 40% reduction in the first year.  Unfortunately, when I left the company and turned the password over it was never kept up.

The economic downturn, local politics and scandals and internal upheavals caused by the frequent change in command has over the years slowly caused feelings of queasiness of the largely tenured staff . Sam and Lexy have allowed themselves to be affected the most. 

“I can’t look at Sam, it makes me nauseous.”

“Lexy knows how to push my buttons and enjoys doing it.”

“I refuse to work with Sam any longer.”

I refuse to be at the same table as Lexy.”

In the time of Genesis they got along swimmingly well. They lunched together, shared jokes and stories of their children as they grew up. They had confidence in each other’s professional abilities. It all started with one grain of sand in the oyster’s shell that encapsulated. The rest is history. It goes something like this.…

Sam was promoted to a very senior level position. Lexy was OK with it because of the tenure Sam had. But Lexy started to feel like Sam was on a power trip and that communication was becoming strained and difficult. Lexy started to feel “ordered around”.  Lexy took this to the big boss who said, “Find a way to work with Sam or find another job”. That directive and the way it was delivered painted a picture in Lexy’s mind, one that said, “I went from peer to slave and now I’m toast”.

Bitterness started to boil in the cauldron.……

The quick succession of über leaders swept it under the rug. Being the consummate introvert, Lexy internalized it and started to have back pain. Sam, the feeling extrovert, started having migraines, kept trying to reach out and failed attempts only made them worse. To make matters worse, there was no HR department for anyone to turn to for guidance.

Doo doo doo doo doo doo do do.….. A ticking time bomb waiting to explode. And it did.

In an unexpected turn of events, it was Sam that stopped talking about it and put it into a formal written complaint. Now it had to be addressed. The complaint contained serious allegations of  bullying and a hostile work environment. These were 2 very valuable employees, it had to be addressed. For the integrity of the organization and to avoid an EEOC complaint for Adverse Employment Action based on discrimination, retaliation and or constructive discharge.

Luckily in this case, an HR consultant was brought in and eventually one hired to staff.  The situation was resolved via performance management, serious coaching and signed expectations documents. A best case scenario was had.

Well there’s a rose in the fisted glove
And eagle flies with the dove
And if you can’t be with the one you love honey
Love the one you’re with

The days of gentleman’s agreements in the workplace are over. I will be ever so grateful to the leader who pushed me to document, document, document early on in my career. It’s a pain in the tohkes and I hate it. In fact, I’m still on the elusive hunt for the perfect digital scribe if you can recommend one. I have sent back the ones I have tried. I digress but oy vey, why can’t they get it right?

So anyway, if you are in the cubicle with a co-worker from hell and identify with Sam or Lexy you need to try to work it out with one other, unless it’s some type of gross conduct that needs immediate reporting to a superior and documentation from you. Here are 60 articles from Helium for your perusal and reflection to see if you can get somewhere on your own.

If your crack at pop psychology doesn’t get you any relief you do need to say something to your manager and you need to document the conversation. The manager should too but do it anyway.  It’s never a waste. If nothing else, it will be the beginning of an intriguing novel you can complete in your retirement. Ask for next steps and a time table to resolution. Put that in your notes. Above all… don’t whine. Just tell it like it is, say it is unacceptable and ask for resolution. See what happens…

Hopefully, the situation will be handled with sensitivity, discretion and professionalism. If not, you have some tough choices to make. There is no law that obligates people to be nice to each other and HR departments deal with personality issues perhaps more than any other. If you have made an earnest attempt to get along that didn’t pan out and you are that irritated it might be the time to move on. Why allow yourself to be miserable and possibly your health to suffer? Start conducting a job search.

If you decide to look for another job please resist all temptation to discuss the personality conflict you have with a co-worker. It’s not going to work in your favor. You’ll need to give another reason for your motivation to change employment.

However, if you feel the situation goes beyond a personality conflict and has moved into the arena of harassment or bullying and your employer has not properly addressed the situation you may qualify to file a formal complaint to the EEOC if you are in the U.S.A. This is not to be taken lightly. Frivolous complaints are common and truthfully they cause a nightmare for employers. Don’t be spiteful. Take a deep breath, read the FAQ’s and analyze the situation according to the guidelines. Do you really have a legitimate complaint worthy of government intervention? If you do it is your right to file the complaint. Be ready to know it could get pretty ugly. It could mean court. It will air your dirty laundry if there is any.  I’m just saying.

Like a bad marriage, if it’s fractured and irreparable, usually the best remedy is a divorce. If both parties agree to counseling and this marriage can be saved maybe you can have a second honeymoon… maybe.

Get it together come on make it nice
You ain’t gonna need anymore advice

Doo doo doo doo 

Thanks Steven Stills for your talent. I love your music.

Karla Porter, DSL