If you have a boss that’s a bully who has managed to run under the radar of someone that should have long ago stopped her in her tracks, there may still be hope. If you’re determined to confront the monkey on your back it’s important to know it’s not personal even when it feels like it is. Take care of your self-esteem and reassure yourself by knowing that if you had performance issues that needed addressing, there are well established professionally accepted ways of doing that without causing humiliation. What’s happening isn’t your fault. Everyone is responsible for their own behavior.

That means you too…

If you have resisted running out the door because you love your job in every other way and want to work toward a more mutually respectable relationship, here is a process you can try. Disclaimer: It’s not a magic bullet. Even if a bully boss has a change of heart and management style, damage has been done to the relationship that is hard to forgive and forget just like in any type of relationship. You may never be truly content working under the person even in light of seemingly miraculous recovery.

Ultimately, you’ll need to make some tough career decisions.

Request a meeting with your bully boss and clearly state the behavior is inappropriate and must immediately be corrected. When you communicate keep in mind that you should not mirror her offensive style. It might not be easy to keep your composure but it certainly is in your best interest to be the “better person”. Use “I” statements, not “you” statements and keep a calm demeanor and firm but not angered tone and try hard to not cry or show other visible signs of this behavior getting to you.

Here is an example of a conversation starter for a first attempt to have constructive dialog and bring your concern to the attention of your bully boss.

“I’m disappointed in our working relationship and how we communicate. I come to work each day enthusiastic with the goal to be highly productive and when I feel talked down to or bullied it really demotivates me and negatively affects my performance. It’s not a win-win situation for anyone. How can we improve the way we work together?”

Once the conversation has ended and the situation is no longer emotionally charged, write a follow-up email to your boss containing a summary of the situation that was offensive, with focus on a commitment of mutual respect. It should be factual and not emotional. This email should be blind copied to a personal email address for purposes of documentation retention and serves to ensure that if your correspondence magically disappears off the company server you still have an electronic copy should you need it in the future if the situation continues. If the boss responds via email forward this email to your personal email and retain it as well. You should not feel compelled to respond to the email. In fact, I discourage it. The last thing you need is bully ping pong.

Many times the person who receives this type of email will have meaningful reflection on the situation when it’s in black and white. They will also realize it has been documented and this alone can often have a revelatory effect. If the behavior occurs again request a meeting with the Human Resources Manager or in the absence of one, a Manager from another department. The ideal Manager should be of higher than but not less than equal rank to your Manager. In smaller organizations where this may not be possible, anyone in a supervisory position or the owner would be appropriate to speak with. Explain the situation, state it is unacceptable behavior that makes you uncomfortable and request assistance with a resolution. Ask when you will receive a response. Follow up with email documentation in the same manner as with the bully.

This should be the end of your problem. Most companies will reassign reporting structures, provide coaching and formal disciplinary action and eventually terminate bad bosses.

If you continue to be bullied and the company permits this behavior after having been formally notified, you may wish to consider visiting the EEOC website to see if you qualify to lodge a formal complaint with the government.

An employer must have a certain number of employees to be covered by the laws they enforce. This number varies depending on the type of employer (for example, whether the employer is a private company, a state or local government agency, a federal agency, an employment agency, or a labor union) and the kind of discrimination alleged (for example, discrimination based on a person’s race, color, religion, sex (including pregnancy), national origin, age (40 or older), disability or genetic information).

Not every case of verbal abuse warrants or qualifies for an EEOC complaint. There is no law that requires people to speak nicely to one another or even to distribute workload equitably. Learning to manage the boss can be very effective but quite frankly, if the behavior hasn’t been corrected after taking the above mentioned steps it is unlikely to ever improve and the best bet is to look for other opportunity.

You only live once, why allow it to be a bad experience?

Note: Bullying is inappropriate conduct and can be a form of harassment depending on the situation. This type of conduct should never be condoned or accepted. As with domestic violence offenders, the propensity to re-offend is probable especially if the behavior is tolerated.

The economic downturn, local politics and scandals and internal upheavals caused by the frequent change in command has over the years slowly caused feelings of queasiness of the largely tenured staff . Sam and Lexy have allowed themselves to be affected the most. 

“I can’t look at Sam, it makes me nauseous.”

“Lexy knows how to push my buttons and enjoys doing it.”

“I refuse to work with Sam any longer.”

I refuse to be at the same table as Lexy.”

In the time of Genesis they got along swimmingly well. They lunched together, shared jokes and stories of their children as they grew up. They had confidence in each other’s professional abilities. It all started with one grain of sand in the oyster’s shell that encapsulated. The rest is history. It goes something like this.…

Sam was promoted to a very senior level position. Lexy was OK with it because of the tenure Sam had. But Lexy started to feel like Sam was on a power trip and that communication was becoming strained and difficult. Lexy started to feel “ordered around”.  Lexy took this to the big boss who said, “Find a way to work with Sam or find another job”. That directive and the way it was delivered painted a picture in Lexy’s mind, one that said, “I went from peer to slave and now I’m toast”.

Bitterness started to boil in the cauldron.……

The quick succession of über leaders swept it under the rug. Being the consummate introvert, Lexy internalized it and started to have back pain. Sam, the feeling extrovert, started having migraines, kept trying to reach out and failed attempts only made them worse. To make matters worse, there was no HR department for anyone to turn to for guidance.

Doo doo doo doo doo doo do do.….. A ticking time bomb waiting to explode. And it did.

In an unexpected turn of events, it was Sam that stopped talking about it and put it into a formal written complaint. Now it had to be addressed. The complaint contained serious allegations of  bullying and a hostile work environment. These were 2 very valuable employees, it had to be addressed. For the integrity of the organization and to avoid an EEOC complaint for Adverse Employment Action based on discrimination, retaliation and or constructive discharge.

Luckily in this case, an HR consultant was brought in and eventually one hired to staff.  The situation was resolved via performance management, serious coaching and signed expectations documents. A best case scenario was had.

Well there’s a rose in the fisted glove
And eagle flies with the dove
And if you can’t be with the one you love honey
Love the one you’re with

The days of gentleman’s agreements in the workplace are over. I will be ever so grateful to the leader who pushed me to document, document, document early on in my career. It’s a pain in the tohkes and I hate it. In fact, I’m still on the elusive hunt for the perfect digital scribe if you can recommend one. I have sent back the ones I have tried. I digress but oy vey, why can’t they get it right?

So anyway, if you are in the cubicle with a co-worker from hell and identify with Sam or Lexy you need to try to work it out with one other, unless it’s some type of gross conduct that needs immediate reporting to a superior and documentation from you. Here are 60 articles from Helium for your perusal and reflection to see if you can get somewhere on your own.

If your crack at pop psychology doesn’t get you any relief you do need to say something to your manager and you need to document the conversation. The manager should too but do it anyway.  It’s never a waste. If nothing else, it will be the beginning of an intriguing novel you can complete in your retirement. Ask for next steps and a time table to resolution. Put that in your notes. Above all… don’t whine. Just tell it like it is, say it is unacceptable and ask for resolution. See what happens…

Hopefully, the situation will be handled with sensitivity, discretion and professionalism. If not, you have some tough choices to make. There is no law that obligates people to be nice to each other and HR departments deal with personality issues perhaps more than any other. If you have made an earnest attempt to get along that didn’t pan out and you are that irritated it might be the time to move on. Why allow yourself to be miserable and possibly your health to suffer? Start conducting a job search.

If you decide to look for another job please resist all temptation to discuss the personality conflict you have with a co-worker. It’s not going to work in your favor. You’ll need to give another reason for your motivation to change employment.

However, if you feel the situation goes beyond a personality conflict and has moved into the arena of harassment or bullying and your employer has not properly addressed the situation you may qualify to file a formal complaint to the EEOC if you are in the U.S.A. This is not to be taken lightly. Frivolous complaints are common and truthfully they cause a nightmare for employers. Don’t be spiteful. Take a deep breath, read the FAQ’s and analyze the situation according to the guidelines. Do you really have a legitimate complaint worthy of government intervention? If you do it is your right to file the complaint. Be ready to know it could get pretty ugly. It could mean court. It will air your dirty laundry if there is any.  I’m just saying.

Like a bad marriage, if it’s fractured and irreparable, usually the best remedy is a divorce. If both parties agree to counseling and this marriage can be saved maybe you can have a second honeymoon… maybe.

Get it together come on make it nice
You ain’t gonna need anymore advice

Doo doo doo doo 

Thanks Steven Stills for your talent. I love your music.

Karla Porter, DSL